How to start this BDSM thing safely

I’ve always been kink and sex positive, but very much from my vanilla corner of the room. I would peer in from the outside, follow BDSM pages on Instagram and keep my damn distance. It’s a huge world and as you know, only gets bigger once you open its door.

I opened the door a little more, ironically (or not, really) after moving to a more conservative country.

After exiting a monogamish, mostly vanilla relationship, I began venturing at a snail’s pace. Nervous as hell. Mostly because I felt like an imposter. “Ah, I haven’t read that book.” and “Fuck, I don’t know that term.” and “But I still don’t understand that dynamic”. And the deeper you go, the bigger the world gets. Even if you hone in on one kink, you see that it’s got its own whole world. That’s no reason not to venture further. There’s no way to know it all and once you accept that, it’s freeing.

There are many ways to learn, and to start to develop your interests. Reading, YouTube videos, mentorships, friends, it’s endless.

BUT what’s made all the difference for me, is finding a community within the world of kink and BDSM, that I connect with beyond kink. People I can have a conversation with about psychology or roller skating or work or tea or plants or wine or what the fuck ever. People I can connect with as people first, then as kinksters (whether that be through kinky roundtables, discussions, playing, mentorship or whatever).

As someone who is introverted, shy and nervous by nature, that real-life, beyond-kinky connection makes it easier to trust people and their guidance. Their willingness to discuss things beyond kink is a big green flag for me, and then how they approach kinky discussions is a bigger green flag.

I’m lucky enough to have found that community, and people who make the journey a fun, insightful, growth-based one.

It’s essential to know someone you can speak to about your journey — a fellow kinkster is preferred but a kink-positive friend is good too. A cool aunt, a therapist — whatever. But someone (who you don’t play with) needs insight into this world of yours so you can stay more psychologically safe as well as have a safe call if you ever need it.

I’ve had bad kinky experiences and were it not for the people I knew, I would’ve closed my heart and mind to more kinky experiences. I could recognise those isolated events and sense check them across people, roles and experiences. This also makes it easier to trust your own journey.

Once you’ve got your safe call, you can look into communities.

The communities exist on FetLife, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and a range of social media (IRL too, when they can)— especially as you get more specific about what you’re interested in. Are you curious about shibari, impact, breath control, humiliation? Have a look at this list of kinks at fetishes to try get the vocabulary right for what you’re interested in and get more specific with the communities you want to be part of.

For my communities, I needed to ask and answer a few questions before becoming part of them.

• Why does this community exist?
• What’s its goal? What’s its vision?
• What value does it give me?
• What value can I bring?

The answers can be really simple. For example:

• It exists to equip everyone with enough information to practise and explore BDSM safely.
• Its goal is to empower every member with the ability to make healthy decisions and for each person to become an ambassador for safe BDSM practises.
• It gives me a safe space to ask questions and offer opinions.
• My points of view, experiences and interpretations of the research done.

It also helps to connect with individuals. If you see someone who inspires you, reach out to them. They know the ropes and they’ll probably be happy to speak to you, meet you, share with you or point you in the right direction. Obviously, how you reach out matters. Don’t aggressively plow your way into a Domme’s DMs begging them to top you.

Be respectful

Be honest

Be careful

Do your own research before connecting with others. (Check out videos, blogs, books, podcasts and whatever other format strokes your duck.)

If someone is a d*ck when you reach out, they shouldn’t be a role model anyway and the next beautiful kinkster can take up role for you.

❤